I’m sure a lot of people can relate to the concept of having “high highs” and “low lows”. You can be having the worst morning ever. You feel terrible and you feel like your day is ruined but 20 minutes later you feel fine and it’s like your mental breakdown didn’t even happen… Why?

This morning I had a huge meltdown at work and couldn’t stop crying and panicking over something so small. Shortly after this, I felt on top of the world. I was extremely talkative and it was like nothing could bother me in the slightest. To be clear, I have not been diagnosed with any type of mood or personality disorder. I have always experienced mood swings but today felt different because it was the opposite of what I’m used to. Normally, I am in a good mood and I’ll swing the other way and be suddenly upset.

I often turn to the internet to get a better grasp on why I’m feeling what I’m feeling. When you look up mood swings, the answer you’ll usually find is either a mood disorder or hormones due to menopause or your period. I’m not on my period and definitely not going through menopause, so what the hell could it be?

What we all need to understand is that everyone’s experience with mental illness is different. To have better control over my emotions and how my day will go, my therapist told me to figure out what my triggers are. Sadly, there’s no full-proof way to avoid all of your triggers- but you can try to control how you react to them. It might sound weird, but I’ve made mental illness my friend. It’ll always be there whether I like it or not, so I decided to get to know it. If you have anxiety, look it up. Learn about what it is and why it’s there. Let me use my PTSD as an example. Mental illnesses are a chemical imbalance of the brain. For me, that means I don’t process trauma the right way. I don’t file the memories away as being an event of the past. This results in me becoming frightened and stressed even when I know I’m safe.

It’s hard to name all of my triggers because they’re extremely hard to predict, but anything relating to domestic violence or abuse will usually get me a little worked up and often results in me having flashbacks. Another thing that can cause me a lot of anxiety is when I have a busy day. I think I’ve touched on this subject before, but not having enough time in the day can be a huge anxiety trigger for people. Make sure you get enough sleep at night, give yourself time to get ready, and don’t be afraid to simply say no to things that have the potential to add unneeded stress to your day. Two years ago, I couldn’t handle more than one or two obligations in one day but nowadays I often have anywhere between three and five things to do or places I need to be in one day. Learning what I can and cannot handle has made these days easier. I’ve also found that focusing on what I can actually control helps my anxiety a lot. I know how difficult it can be to talk yourself down but I promise it gets better with practice.

Just remember: you’re allowed to feel this way.

Thank you for reading!

 

Do you ever have that “why bother?” feeling? Like, why am I even doing the things I’m doing? Who cares? What’s the point?

I ask myself these questions pretty often.

I’ve been finding myself spending a lot of time in my bedroom. If you know me personally, this probably sounds like old news. Finding the motivation to do literally anything has been especially difficult the past two months. The thought of homework makes me sick, I dread going to work, and I have no desire to leave my bed most days. This might sound alarming, but it’s nothing new.

With the Holidays as well as the end of the semester right around the corner, I want to take a second to remind myself and to share with all of you how I find motivation within myself.

If I’m ever feeling an extreme emotion or noticing a pattern of actions, I try to ask myself “what the hell does this mean?” and “why the fuck am I doing this/feeling this way”? If you ask yourself these questions instead of the ones at the beginning of this post, you might learn a thing or two about yourself. Don’t get me wrong, practicing mindfulness hasn’t “cured” me by any means, it has simply made me a better mentally ill person. Sounds weird, right? Let me explain.

It’s important for me to look inward and pay attention to the way certain things affect me and my mental health. Someone once told me that all of my problems are the result of my shortcomings. For a good year and a half, I thought that was bullshit. It wasn’t until I discovered mindfulness that I realized that I can choose to make things easier on myself. I’ve never been a fan of corny quotes or catchphrases, but sometimes you have to “face the music”, “rip the band aid”, and “take control of your destiny”. Avoiding my problems has almost always made them worse in the long run. I try to make decisions with my mental health in mind. So I don’t necessarily have motivation, I’m simply doing the things I know I need to do in order to be happy and healthy. No, I don’t feel like going to the gym, but I know I’ll feel better afterwards. I don’t want to start my homework early, but I know it’ll save me a lot of anxiety if I don’t wait until the last minute to do it. I really want to eat my weight in junk food, but I’ll be disappointed in myself afterwards.

About two years ago, having more than one thing to do in a day stressed me out. Working and having an appointment on the same day would put me into panic mode, making me feel like I needed to cancel something or I’d go crazy. Now I balance working 30 hours a week with taking a full load of online classes, making it to the gym as much as I can, making healthy eating choices, and maintaining healthy relationships. A lot of people ask me how I do it, here are the changes I’ve made that have helped me function on a daily basis without completely losing my shit:

• GET A THERAPIST. I recommend therapy to literally anyone reading this. The average person goes to the dentist, right? Even though there’s probably nothing wrong, you still make your dental health a priority- so why neglect your mental health?
• Get organized. I kept a written planner for about two years and it was extremely helpful and ending up being very important. You can keep track of whatever you want like appointments, your work schedule, homework, and even bills. To-do lists can also be very effective if you forget stuff easily or have a hard time prioritizing. Now I use Google calendar because I can access it from my phone as well as any computer.
• Slow down and say NO. Making yourself a priority is so important. Self care can be as simple as saying no to picking up an extra shift or turning off your phone for an hour.
• Stop avoiding shit. Trust me, I know old habits die hard. I still find myself putting off things I know are time-sensitive or just simply good for me to do like doing homework or going to the gym. Even doing things a little bit at a time is fine. I’ve found that it doesn’t matter how fast you’re going, as long as you don’t stop.
• Ask yourself, how am I going to make this a productive day? This goes back to my point on getting organized, but asking yourself this question is important for those days when you happen to have little to no responsibilities. This is Thursday for me. I often don’t work Thursdays, nor do I ever have homework due, so it’s important for me to not waste my day doing nothing. On these types of days, I’ll get random stuff done like meal-prepping or getting a much-needed oil change for my car. This is also a perfect opportunity to have a little ME time if you’ve had a stressful week.
• Lastly, create healthy habits! Practicing even small healthy habits helps be be more productive. Lately I’ve been trying to keep my room clean so it’s more pleasant to live in. I also used to have the horrible habit of sitting in my bed all day. I would eat all of my meals in bed and even do my homework in bed, which ended up really messing with my sleep schedule. For the past week, I’ve been waking up at a normal time (for me thats between 7:30 and 8:30), I make my bed, and I sit at my desk and eat/do homework there instead. If you are like me and struggle with bad eating habits, having a healthy breakfast is a great way to start your day and it provides you with the energy you need to deal with all of the bullshit that will come your way throughout the day. If I have a healthy and satisfying breakfast, I’m more likely to make healthier choices the rest of the day.

Those are all of the tips I can think of at the moment, and I hope you can takeaway something from this post and apply it to your life.

As always, thank you for listening.

NL

In this very moment I am avoiding homework and the fact that my sheets are done in the dryer and need to be put back on my mattress if I plan on sleeping tonight.

Oh yeah you heard that right- I’m fucking doing laundry. About 2 hours ago I felt a surge of energy and motivation to do something, anything (besides homework obviously). I put away some clothes that were chilling on my chair, preventing me from sitting in it, and then I finally took the sheets off of my bed and threw them in the washer. If you asked the average person how long you should go without washing your sheets, they’d probably say a week. I honestly don’t remember the last time I washed mine. Also, I flipped my mattress because the spot I sit in 24/7 is starting to sink a little bit. Well, I guess I didn’t necessarily flip it, I turned it around because I didn’t feel like taking the mattress pad off.

The thought of sleeping in a clean bed tonight makes me very happy because the popcorn/food crumbs were getting kind of annoying.

This happens quite often, getting the sudden motivation and urge to be productive. I know the feeling will go away soon, so I take advantage of the opportunity and quickly try to get something done. My productiveness is very haphazard. While I do well in school and my calendar is very organized, my room is never, ever clean. I would tell you that I have something I call “selective laziness” but really it’s probably just the depression. I don’t like to blame my actions on my mental illnesses, but I think it can be the first step to figuring out why I make certain decisions and how to change them.

Enough with the self-reflection… I can’t stop thinking about this particular question: Does the average millennial dust? I say no. Anyways, thank you for listening.

NL

This was a post automatically published by wordpress so I figured I could use it as a cheesy first blog post.

Hello.

My name is Nicole and you are reading the first of many blog posts about my mental health journey. I figured this would be a better place where I could organize my thoughts instead of tweeting them…

Now let me get one thing straight – I am not looking for sympathy here nor do I want anyone feeling bad for me. I am here to share my experiences, offer tips, and help “break the stigma” on discussing mental illnesses. By the way, I hate the word “stigma”. I’m also not a professional writer in any way. You’ll learn more about me as a publish more posts, but here’s the spark notes version for now:

• I am 21 years old and I live with my mother
• I work full-time as a receptionist at a salon and I am a full-time online student at SCSU
• I don’t have many hobbies at the moment besides going to the gym with my friend Cassidy and hanging out with friends a few times a week.
• I see a therapist every 2 weeks right now. I struggle with anxiety, depression, PTSD, and all the fun shitty shit that comes along with them.

By starting this blog I hope I can reach people who are going through a similar journey and I hope they can get something out of what I have to share.

Just a little disclaimer: Some of my posts will be positive, uplifting, and hopeful, but others will probably be sad and maybe even a little concerning. Please do not worry about me. If you know me personally, you know I’ve been through a lot and I believe a lot of my worst days are behind me. It wouldn’t be a “journey” if there weren’t highs and lows.

I think that’s all for my introduction post… Thank you for listening.

NL

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton